Category Archives: Featured

I Am Me

Tonight, I realized I needed to write. I was – and still am – unsure about what I need to say, what I need to convey, and in what ways I need to connect to the outside world; but, I know I need to write.

The thoughts running through my head have roots in my identity. They are tied to the black community, feminism (or womanism if you will), the LGBTQ community, and the mental ill. I still cannot put my finger on what exactly I need to articulate, but I do know that I need to be heard.

I’ve found myself reading a number of inspirational womanists tonight: bell hooks, Audre Lorde, and Sojourner Truth. To say I feel inspired would be an understatement, but inspired to do what – I just cannot formulate, I just cannot say.

But if I had to guess, I would say I’m inspired to speak of who I am, of how I identify, of who I aspire to be, one day, if not today.

I am a black, bisexual, bipolar woman. Those four identifiers most capture who I am and how I identify with and navigate through the world. Those four identifiers are what, at the end of the day, I can come back to, read about, think about and re-orient myself to when I feel lost, othered, or detached from myself and the world around me. Those four identifiers are – not exclusively – but majorly a part of who I am. Yet still, they are a part of who I am that I am encouraged, subtly and obviously, not to be – or at least not to be openly, honestly, and proudly.

Tonight I possess the bravery to be defiant of that fact. Tonight I possess the will to be unabashedly and unapologetically myself. Tonight I possess the power to defy those who wish to stifle or silence me. If this feeling of defiance will last until tomorrow remains unknown, at least for now, but at the moment I am proud to be me. I admit this feeling is, unfortunately, rather foreign. Though still I wish it be an experience of everyone. Even if only a few times, it’s validating in a manner that all should be validated, all should experience, all should feel for themselves.

We all should have the experience of being unapologetically ourselves. Whatever that means to each and every one of us. We all should have the right to proudly declare and live out who we feel we are meant to be. We all should have the right to be truly and authentically ourselves, despite who society says we should be, despite what others claim us to be.

While words have poured through me onto this page, I still cannot quite put my finger on what it is exactly my heart needs to declare, but I feel satisfied in saying that it is that I am me. I am who I am meant to be. I am proud of myself, of where and who I am today, and of where and who I will be tomorrow, and of where, who, and what I will be, eventually.

The Black Panthers Party for Self-Defense

Huey P. Newton and Bobby Seale founded the Black Panther Party for Self Defense in 1966. Like many others, the Civil Rights Movement – more specifically the death of Martin Luther King Jr. – ignited them into action. While riots broke out in major United State cities, Newton and Seale poured over a document, the Platform and Program of what they want and what they believe, which served as the foundation of the Black Panther Party. Both men were active in Black Politics in college and both became involved with a group called RAM (Revolutionary Action Movement. The Black Panther Party became the largest Black Revolutionary organization to ever exist: they were the high point of the Civil Rights Movement with 5,000 full-time members who were either unemployed or were willing to give up their jobs.

Women, making up 70% of the party at one point, held vastly different roles than those of the men: who occupied all the leading positions. The Party confined women to secretarial, administrative, childcare, and other traditional roles, while men developed political ideas, spoke, and held leadership roles. Despite many attempts, the Party never achieved gender equality.

According to the Black Panthers, the exploitative capitalist system had deep roots of economic and political racism; therefore, in order to reach Black liberation a revolutionary movement to overthrow the entire power structure must occur. The Black Panthers recognized that a small class held all the economic and political power and that they used that power to exploit the majority. The devastating fiscal reality of Blacks; 32% living under the poverty line, 71% of the poor living in metropolitan areas, and 2/3 living in the ghetto – confirmed this theory.

While Seale branded the white man as the oppressor, he did distinguish between racist whites and non-racist whites and he brought that philosophy to the Panthers. He also claimed the Panthers differed from cultural nationalists because the Panthers – while believing in Black nationalism and Black culture – did not believe either of those things would lead to Black liberations, thus rendering them ineffective.

Instead, he advocated for taking up arms for self-defense against police brutality and giving back to their community in a number of ways including free breakfast for children, health clinics, and shoes for children. According to Seale, to fight racism with solidarity; to fight capitalism with basic socialism; to fight imperialism with proletarian internationalism should serve as the Party’s guiding philosophy.

The development of the Civil Rights Movement directly promoted the formation of the Black Panther Party. The movement, largely based in the south, centered itself around demands of desegregation: particularly of busses, schools, waiting rooms and lunch counters.

Considering the police, local white mobs, and the KKK, civil rights protestors constantly faced the threat of attack or of being killed. Despite this reality protestors stuck to their philosophy of civil disobedience and passive resistance, as MLK demanded. Though, while tensions and violence against the Civil Rights Movement increased the Black Panther Party picked up the ideology of Malcolm X, who called for a more revolutionary philosophy and a militant stand.

As violence against them surged, the Panthers leaned further into Malcolm X’s philosophy of self-defense by means of patrolling the police. With police brutality becoming more severe against Blacks, Huey learned the laws and could cite his right to observe a police officer carrying out his duty as long as a reasonable distance was maintained and could cite the court cases that defined what that distance was. The Panthers actions of self-defense inspired and empowered many. People found security in watching Black brothers and sisters protecting themselves and their interests.

In October 1966, the Black Panther party released their Platform and Program of what they want and what they believe. Many of their demands were simple: such as decent shelter fit for human beings, land, bread, education, clothing, justice and peace. They desired the power to determine the destiny of the Black Community and for power to return to the Black Community to organize, employ, and provide a high standard of living for its people. They wanted accurate education as the saw education as an opportunity to teach Blacks their true history and role in present day society. They felt that without that knowledge of themselves and their position in society and in the world they had no hope to identify with anything else.

Some of their more vital demands were to end police brutality and the murder of blacks by racist cops. They hoped to achieve this by organizing Black self-defense groups dedicated to defending the Black communities from racist policing, oppression and brutality. They also demanded to be tried before their peers – a person from a similar economic, social, religious, geographical and racial background – in court, rather than by just the white man.

With their Platform and Program of what they want and what they believe drafted and finalized, the Panthers felt ready to officialize themselves as an organization. On Jan 1, 1967, with the month’s paychecks of Seale, Newton and Bobby Hutton – their first member who police shot in the head and killed in the Spring of 1968 – rented out an old shop, and transformed it into an office, or their base for operations. Purposefully based in the community, working with the people, and for the people, the Party began to grow.

Relating to people’s needs served as a huge factor of the Black Panther Party. Seale reiterated the Party’s goal to change the existing system for a better system through revolutionary programs rather than just reform. Unfortunately, the success of the Black Panthers earned them the attention of the FBI and put them under fire from the American state. The FBI’s and J. Edgar Hoover’s COINTELPRO (Counter Intelligence Program) intensified against them: Party offices raided and burnt out food provisions. In addition, police, the KKK, and white mobs killed twenty-five Panther members in 1969 alone. Their work was disrupted, their finances drained, and their party was infiltrated – all done by the FBI.

Today the Black community is still hurting. The Black Panthers Platform and Program of what they wanted and what they believe has still been unable to come to full fruition.

Alex Riggs

Alex Riggs
Alex Riggs
“I think BLM is a social movement that will prove to be instrumental in any attempt to coddle some aspects of western adolescence through the socialization process. At first I must say I was undecided upon the felt exclusivity that some media spectacles revolving around the movement portrayed it as, but since looking into the individual component (which is what i believe makes this movement so powerful) of BLM, I think this movement shows some interesting parallels for revolution that have been expressed to me. I think this is a grand show of the masses willingness to be vulnerable, and that vulnerability is key in creating effective activism. even if violence played a small part in bringing it into the spot light, it would be instrumental. People must realize and confront (on an individual level) the possible suffering that BLM characterizes as an ethnic community. I could be wrong, but if any of my recent studies have taught me anything it’s that acting as a distant observer to this only enables stagnation in socialization and realizing one’s true faults and cracks within society. Black Lives Matters is an ever present red flag of the dissonance and disparities held to not only those of the black community, but to those of all disadvantaged/disenfranchised communities. I believe in what BLM represents, mostly of what it calls for, and above all else the passage to true equality that could be achievable if it were taken with more seriousness by the news media rather than using it as a grand ol’ civil rights awakening in america skit.”

Black History Month

I’ve been trying to figure out how to celebrate and bring awareness to Black History Month this year. As a child this was a month I wished didn’t exist: it meant awkward moments in classroom where I’m the only person of color present. Last year I started to reclaim and rebrand the month as a positive one for me by doing a photo essay series to capture the realities of minorities today. The exercise did a lot in means of cultivating pride of my blackness and validating the sometimes invisible or subtle negativities I experienced without knowing if it was a real thing. For that purpose I want to continue the photo essay a bit this year, but I also want to showcase Black Americans who fought to get us to where we are today. I’m starting this a little late – the first of the month would have been preferable – so the goal is to post everyday or at least every other day. I can only hope this project will go as well as the one last year did and I truly hope you guys enjoy it!

Hot Now

My little brother managed to become a rather skilled song writer, rapper, and producer within a few months. I’m so incredible proud of him and of how fervently he’s chasing his new found passion. It’s also hard but inspiring to see him engaging in the social realities of today – particularly those of black men. I’ll be sharing his music as he makes it and I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do!

https://soundcloud.com/blair-lilly/hot-now-x-prod-x-bj-ill

Checking In

My mother asking for my help in setting up her own personal blog made me realize its been quite some time since I’ve made a blog post of my own. Just to get myself writing again I figured I’d give a little update on how my life has been going. The last time I checked in it was to describe the awful effect Seroquel withdrawal was having on my mind, body, and spirit. Fortunately I’m off that medication for good and definitely don’t miss it one bit.

I’ve actually been doing very well. I completed six weeks of Intensive Outpatient Therapy (IOP) after a particularly rough patch and learned so many new coping skills and general life skills. I’m honestly surprised by how effective it was! Just three hours three times a week for six weeks. I met some incredible people and heard some heartbreaking and inspiring stories. It made me realize that I’m truly not alone in even the oddest of difficulties that having a mental illness can cause. Once I “graduated” so to speak from IOP I started individual therapy. Now this I was very skeptical of. I’m just not great at communicating my emotions or even admitting something is wrong in the first place. One of the biggest problems of being a functional person with bipolar disorder is it’s often difficult for people to see and believe that you’re struggling, even if in reality you want to die. But I learned how to open up some, though not all the way, and discuss the things that were bothering me and making my life more difficult than I felt it should be. I ended up doing so well that I don’t need to attend weekly sessions anymore – I can space them out as I need them and I now know how to recognize when I do need to have a session.

Life has been great! I got hired at Subway a couple of months ago and have absolutely loved my experience working there. After being unemployed for probably the longest amount of time ever for me, it’s so nice to have a job to go to and to be a functional productive member of society. Doing art is nice, but I can only make so many paintings before I go stir crazy. Though I can apparently make endless amounts of sandwiches and salads and be perfectly happy.

I’m potentially in between psychiatrists – I haven’t decided yet for sure. My potentially new psychiatrist wants to start cutting down on the seven medications I’m currently taking daily, which I am very interested in; but, I also love my old psychiatrist and am one to stick with the same doctor for years. So it’s a tough decision, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out soon.

If you’ve made it to the end, thanks for reading. I’m always surprised by and thankful for how many people have a general interest in my life and wellbeing. If there’s anything in particular you’d like to hear about feel free to ask me through comments, or a message, or any method of your choosing, really.

Keep on keeping on. You all are lovely!

A Walk in the Park

Walk in the park with Brie
Walk in the park with Brie

One of the biggest factors of maintaining mental stability, for me, has been exercise. In fact, the first time my former psychologist and I determined I’d reached a positive and healthy place was also the first time I trained to run a 5k.

Now one of my favorite things to do during the day is to take Brie, my family’s puppy, on a walk in the park or through the neighborhood. Today’s walk was rough, though; I just didn’t want to do it. Yet half way around the lakes I found myself smiling at the sleeping ducks and marveling at the sunbathing turtles who quickly scuttled away at the sound of Brie’s gangling tags.

I kept asking myself what was so drastically altering my mood. Was it the sun warming my body, or the lapping water of the lake, or the presence of a happy animal, I wondered. Honestly, I still don’t know, but to find such an effective coping mechanism is amazing.

Seroquel Withdrawal

Backyard.

I’ve decided to start on a new project: one of self-awakening. I’m hoping this will serve as both a motivator for myself and a vehicle of understanding for those it reaches.

The past few days have been, in a word, brutal. A hard to explain brutal. I’ve spent so much time within mania’s breast that I’d forgotten the harsh winds which effortlessly lift and guide her, permitting her to cut gracefully through the air. I had knocked on wood, sheepishly wishing for mania to swoop me up, coaxed with false promises of peace and rest. I dreamed foolishly of safety from the angry swirling sea, now below. But the higher I go the softer the water looks.

It has been brutal. A falling into a fitful sleep, just to wake two hours later and realize that’s the only rest you’re going to get, brutal. A finding out it’s only 3 pm and bursting into tears because it’s so early still in the day, brutal. A waking up my parents sobbing at  3 am because all I want to do is sleep, but I don’t know if the pain is coming from the inside or the outside, brutal. Waking with cheeks already drenched in tears, brutal.

Sweats, shakes, vomiting, agitation, brutal. Seroquel I hate you.

To better explain: with permission to finally quit taking the anti-psychotic drug, Seroquel, I was excited to reclaim my body; I didn’t realize I’d be looking at at least a month of withdrawal. My only consolation is that after three weeks I must be reaching the end of this horrid withdrawal period. Though just this morning I had to choose between continuing to puke at my feet (with an all too curious puppy hanging around) or aiming the rest of my stomach contents in the general direction of our pool and spa. I scored in both. Only thanks to acid does my family have any comfort in the future sanitation of our leisurely swims.

This, I’m learning, is yet another dirty side of mental illness. And it deserves just as much exposure and understanding as the rest of it.